Resentment in a relationship develops when one, or both partners, are harboring feelings of anger or ill-will towards each other. Allowing these negative feelings to fester, instead of addressing them, can ultimately snowball into lasting bitterness and hard feelings. Once bitterness settles in, it becomes nearly impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. However, fear not, because feelings of resentment can be overcome. In truth, most couples will face resentment issues at one point or another. It is how we deal with resentment and work to avoid it in the future that will define the success of a relationship. Below, we will discuss 5 ways to overcome resentment in your relationship while emphasizing the importance of working through issues before they build into lasting resentment.
Common Reasons for Resentment
There are many different reasons you may feel resentment towards your significant other. We all have different emotional triggers based on our personalities and life-experiences. Nonetheless, there are a few common reasons for resentment that should be mentioned.
First, if one partner insists on always being right, this could cause irritation that builds into resentment. It is important to remember you have your own way of doing things and that should be honored! Furthermore, feeling taken advantage of, put down, or unheard by your partner are also all very common reasons resentment builds. When our needs are not met, we tend to grow resentful of the people around us. If you are feeling like your partner is constantly letting you down, it may benefit you to review your expectations. Are they unrealistic? Is your partner showing you the appreciation you crave just in a different way than you are expecting? If so, try adjusting your expectations to avoid being let down. Let us now dive further into how you can overcome resentment in your relationship.
Ways to Overcome Resentment
1. Get in Touch With Your Feelings
It is very important to start by acknowledging your feelings, even the negative ones. If we ignore our negative feelings in hopes they will go away, we actually end up storing negative energy that can build into resentment. It is normal to feel angry, disappointed, or hurt. How we react to these feelings, however, makes all the difference. We must label and acknowledge these feelings within ourselves to be able to work through them.
Start by trying to identify the trigger of your negative emotion, be as specific as possible. Then, identify the immediate emotional reaction to the trigger and the subsequent behavioral reaction. After all this, work on identifying the deeper feelings triggered by the situation. For example, sometimes our feelings of anger are actually masking feelings of hurt or neglect. Lastly, identify the underlying need. With more tender feelings, such as hurt, there is often an underlying unmet need or longing. In short, learn what your emotions are trying to tell you about yourself. With practice, this will become an easier process.
2. Talk About Your Feelings
Once you are in touch with your feelings, it should be easier to express them to others. It is important to tell others what you are feeling because, unfortunately, they cannot read your mind. Remember, wait until you are calm and able to have a civilized conversation. Then, try to express your feelings in “I” statements.
3. Listen and Practice Empathy
Try and look at the situation from the other person’s perspective and develop empathy for them. Couples frequently fight over who is deserving of empathy, whose experience should be validated, and whose hurt should be taken care of. Couples may think that by offering empathy to their counterpart, they are admitting blame and denying themselves of receiving any empathy in return. This is far from the truth. It is important that both parties have the opportunity to express their feelings and receive empathy from their partner. In order to start rebuilding empathy within your relationship, set the intention together to actively recreate empathy.
4. Avoid Complaining to Other People
Discussing your anger over and over again to other people will likely just fuel your frustration. Do not expect others around you to get involved, take your side, and gang up against your significant other. Instead, try to speak directly to the person that is causing your negative feelings, thus addressing the problem in a direct manner.
5. Learn to Say “No”
If you are always saying “yes” to helping out, it is easy to feel like others are taking advantage of you. Learning to say “no” and set boundaries for yourself will decrease your chances of developing resentment. If you do not want to do something, or cannot with a positive attitude, consider saying “no”.
Seek a Therapist for Help
Speaking with a therapist about resentment may help you clarify your underlying unmet needs and pin-point the steps in your journey to overcome resentment. A therapist may also be able to highlight your personal resentment patterns while helping you work towards desired change. Moreover, couples counseling could equip you and your partner with the skills needed to effectively communicate and better understand one another. With the right attitude, resentment issues can be turned into opportunities for greater closeness and intimacy. If you are seeking further guidance, consider contacting Thomas Rea. As a certified relationship therapist, Thomas is passionate about helping individuals and partners work to create healthy, long-lasting bonds. Visit his website for more information, or to book an appointment.
