If you and your partner are considering changing up your sex life but aren’t sure where to start, ethical non-monogamy may be the answer. As “non-monogamy” becomes more mainstream, (with an estimated 20% of the US population having tried some form of non-monogamy according to the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy) the question often gets asked, how do you bring up non-monogamy to a partner, especially that first time? Opening up a somewhat unconventional dialogue like this can be tricky, so in the interest of easing apprehension, let’s talk about how to have a conversation about ethical non-monogamy with your partner.
What Are Your Intentions?
To effectively have this conversation with your partner, you’ll first need to look beyond just the possibilities and excitement that a new relationship can bring and think a bit more deeply as to why you are curious about this. Why are you bringing up this traditionally taboo subject in the first place? What is your motivation, fantasy, or desired outcome, and what do you envision a non-monogamous relationship will look like? For example, some people may want to explore their sexuality, and ethical non-monogamy allows them to do just that while still being fully committed to one person. Another person may love more than one person at a time, and feel monogamy holds them back from their truest self. Some may believe monogamy to be the product of jealousy or possessive feelings and wish to practice non-monogamy as a way of letting go of these feelings to experience more love. Some people may just enjoy variety in their sex life without negative consequences. The list varies, but all in all it’s crucial to reflect on why you want this change before opening the proverbial can of worms with your partner.
What Do You Want?
Two people, bound for life is a lofty goal, and going into it with intent will make it all the stronger. There is no one-size-fits-all relationship, and, most often, one person may desire something stronger than their partner, and that’s where conscious compromise comes into play. This is why, after pinpointing your reason why, take some time to discern what specifically you’re looking for, and what the most ideal (and most realistic) options are for you and your partner. There are many different types of ethical non-monogamy up for consideration, including:
- Polygamy, which means marrying more than one person.
- Open Relationships, an umbrella term for any non-monogamous sexual relationship in which at least one person in a committed relationship is open to sex with other people.
- Swinging, when couples exchange partners, involving partners, friends, parties, etc.
- Monogamish, when a couple is mostly monogamous but allows the occasional sexual relationship with others (including many rules that determine things such as the frequency of partners, frequency of meetups, types of sexual activities, etc.)
- Polyamory, when someone is in an open relationship with multiple people at once, sexually or romantically, but not through marriage.
- Relationship Anarchy, built on the belief that people can have as many relationships as they want, aims to end the barrier between sexual and non-romantic relationships, judging the value of relationships on a case-by-case basis.
Remember to Communicate
Although these types of ethical non-monogamous relationships are becoming more popular, many people lack the ethical communication skills to breed success. If one wants to try ethical non-monogamy, it will require open, honest dialog around sex and feelings. The decision you make may evolve over time, and both partners need to make sure they are comfortable before getting involved with others. Be sure to share your experiences, actively listen, and display a healthy amount of appreciation for each other. One sure fire way to ensure all forms of communication are clear, is to seek mediation from a relationship and sex therapist who specializes in topics like monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, polyamory. Thomas Rea is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Maryland, with over 10 years of experience providing individual and relationship psychotherapy to help individuals and partners develop a better understanding of themselves and others, set personal goals and work toward desired change. For more advice on ethical non-monogamy relationships from a certified professional, request a consultation with Thomas today!
