Let us first define intimacy as feelings of emotional closeness and connectedness with another person that often develop through building mutual trust, caring, and acceptance. It is important to note that emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy do not always go hand in hand. While sex can help to build an intimate relationship, it is not the only indicator. In fact, intimacy can play a role in all types of relationships and it is not reserved for romantic and sexual partners. Furthermore, intimacy can mean something different to each person. Your passions and communication style can affect how you view and develop intimacy. Below we will discuss the differences between sex and intimacy in a relationship and how stressful conditions can alter the balance of the two.
Different Types of Intimacy
We’ve already established that sex is not the only way to be intimate with someone. In addition to intercourse, physical intimacy includes other forms of touching, such as, hand holding, back rubs, kissing, and so on. In addition to physical touch, there are four other main types of intimacy to foster when building a close and connected relationship.
Emotional Intimacy
First, there is emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy means you and your partner both feel safe and comfortable expressing deeply personal emotions and experiences without fear of judgement. Emotional intimacy involves building a strong foundation of trust so thoughts and feelings can be shared authentically and candidly. Trust allows us to feel comfortable sharing with a partner who will keep our secrets. To foster emotional intimacy, engage in deeper, introspective conversations that explore emotions and experiences you usually don’t share with other people. Creating a safe space within your relationship opens the door for honest communication and a deeper emotional connection with your partner.
Intellectual Intimacy
Next, there is intellectual intimacy. All relationships should offer each partner the freedom to think and feel valued. As a way to not pressure others to agree and in valuing differences in opinion, we encourage our partner to participate in stimulating conversations. Valuing differences and respecting each other’s voices can foster closeness because it proves our ability to care for one another fully, despite differing opinions. It shows that we value a person for their individuality and want them to be able to think freely. Connecting through logic and philosophical expression is just another way to bond and grow in a relationship.
Experiential Intimacy
There is no doubt that shared experiences can intensify a connection. Inside jokes and private memories connect you and your partner on a higher level. Recalling memories triggers involuntary sensory reactions, thus if a memory is pleasant it prompts that same energy when re-lived. Creating pleasurable experiences together, or moving in unison towards a common goal, establishes a feeling of closeness and teamwork. Therefore, you can each have your own separate lives, but you also have the life and memories you have built together.
Spiritual Intimacy
Religion may play a part in your spiritual intimacy, but it is not required. Find moments and experiences you find awe-inspiring and ask your partner to do the same, and then discuss. Perhaps you both enjoy marveling in the beauty of nature and decide to make the effort to hike together once a week, mindfully enjoying each other and your surroundings. Whatever it may be, spiritual intimacy is about transcending your connection beyond logic and conscious thought. While you can actively create opportunities for spiritual intimacy, these experiences are ultimately outside your realm of influence. This means you have to simply let the moment do the work.
How Stress Can Affect Intimacy
Stress has been proven to cause sex struggles and low-libido. In fact, when we are placed under stressful situations, our body produces more of the hormone cortisol. Not only are high levels of cortisol linked to anxiety, but cortisol also inhibits the production of testosterone. Testosterone is the primary sex hormone for males and greatly affects sex drive (libido). Additionally, stress may cause a sort of brain fog in which you are preoccupied with worry and other things. Brain fog can make it difficult to relax, thus making it difficult to become aroused. The brain plays a huge role in your ability to be aroused and interested in getting physical. Thus, it is no surprise that stress can affect your physical intimacy. There is no shame in taking a step back from physical intimacy and leaning on the other four areas of intimacy during stressful times.
Where to Seek Help
If you and/or your partner are struggling with balancing sex and intimacy, wish to work on your intimacy, or if stress is impeding your ability to connect it may help to see a certified relationship and sex therapist. Having someone who specializes in areas of intimacy and sex help facilitate tough conversations and address sexual concerns can deepen your understanding of yourself and others. Thomas Rea has dedicated his career to providing individuals and couples with comprehensive sex and relationship therapy, equipping patients with the tools to work towards desired change. For more information, or to book an appointment, visit Thomas Rea Therapy website.
